Who is Larry and why is he happy ALL THE TIME?!
This is what I do with my evenings
oh. my. god.
Is your cat about to leave you?
Who is Larry and why is he happy ALL THE TIME?!
What even is the point of a grilled tomato? It just sits there ruining your breakfast.
So… It’s been a long long while since I’ve written one of these things where I highlight just how retarded my life is… and there are many reasons for this. The main one being work commitments. I got promoted in my full time job… and promoted in my other job (that started out not as a job but as a favour)… and then got supported in creating a new theatre company that specialises in gender reversal of pre-established characters. So I’ve got all of that going on… and then I got another promotion on top of my first promotion in my full time position… So I’ve currently got more titles then I can shake a stick at.
So that’s my absence kinda explained.
Now… in one of my many jobs, I duty manage a theatre. A theatre that has got a particularly good reputation for catering to customers with disabilities; signed performances, captioned performances, audio described performances, bring your guide dog to the performance performances, relaxed performances, scratch and sniff set tours, all manner of stuff. Last night was the audio described performance, where a little old lady sits in a box and describes what is happening on the stage through some special headphones that blind people wear, so even the blind can enjoy the performance. It’s all very lovely.
Now, 3 of the blind people that this attracted had never been to the venue before, and were literally dropped off for the scratch and sniff set tour before the show…. basically being ABANDONED in a scary building they’ve never been to before, which is scary enough if you’ve got all five of your senses… let alone if your completely blind. Some discussion later allowed me to discover that they did have guide dogs… but had decided to leave them at home due to the gunshots in the show (very sensible… Rover does not condone violence of any kind). After I was informed of their abandonment, it was then my job to cater for these people all night… and as anyone who knows me may well know… political correctness is not really my strong point. I was suddenly plagued with thoughts of me accidentally calling them invalids or walking them into a bin or asking them if they enjoyed all the colours in the show or something… and I was nervous.
First mistake: I had a female usher with me… the 3 blind people were 2 women and a gentleman, and so I said quite loudly to my member of staff "You take the gentleman and I’ll stay with the ladies." - I’m pretty sure they instantly felt comfortable and not at all like I was going to lead them to a dark corner and rape their eyesight back into them. What a douche bag.
Second Mistake: In the interval, I thought I’d check to see if they wanted anything… I couldn’t just expect them to fumble their way back to the bar. That was a mistake… I asked them and suddenly was thrown back into one of my previous jobs as a waiter, as they decided to order about 4 items EACH. I am a normal man. I have 2 hands. This was problematic. And also had the side effect of making me look like a real fat bastard in a suit, walking up to the bar, ordering 6 bags of chocolate, 3 coffees, 2 cokes and a bottle of water, and carrying them all back into the auditorium.
Third Mistake: After the show the blind gentleman asked me to take him to the toilet. HASHTAG AWKWARD MUCH?! But a man’s gotta do what a man’s paid to do… so I started this process "Which toilet would you feel more comfortable with? The gent’s or the disabled toilet?" He responded with the gents, and I to this moment do not know if that was a politically correct question to ask… So off we went. I led him into a cubicle and told him I’d wait outside… then after he’d finished, he came out and I led him to the sink… and then chortled to myself as he tried to use the tap as a soap dispenser. Then I felt wracked with guilt for laughing at him… and so told him where the actual soap was.
Final mistake: This one really took the biscuit…. Just as I was putting the last blind customer into a taxi, I said these words to him "And hopefully I’ll see YOU again!” and then WAVED. So basically I said… "You can’t see me, but I hope I don’t go blind and see you with my perfectly working vision again sometime… Oh yeah… and now I’ll say bye in a friendly way that you cant see because you’re fucking blind."
I’m a jerk and I’m going to hell. BUT I TRIED SO GODDAMN HARD.
Ironically… when locking up the building a light sparked and the spark almost went in my eye…. so I would have been blind and then I could have accidentally been mean to me too. Karma.