December 2011
66 posts
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“Shakespeare once said: “It’s better to have loved and lost than to...”
– Shakespeare… apparantly.
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“Jesus isn’t watching over anyone right now. He’s hungover. He just...”
– A work friend.
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Male Toilet Etiquette
Ok ok ok… so everyone gets the general rule. If possible… avoid pissing next to another guy. More specific rules. Use the urinal furthest from the door if you are the first in the toilet. If you are second, use the urinal closest to the door (furthest from the other man). If you are the third person and you’re gonna have to stand next to another guy, use the cubicle. Granted,...
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Xmas Dreams
HOHOHO. CHRISTMAS IS FINISHED.
THANK FUCK.
Don’t mis-understand. I love christmas. Free stuff. Shit loads of food. Shit loads of alcohol. Silly hats. Jumpers. Little paper things that go bang and have jokes as funny as terminal cancer. All that shit is amazing. But this year, christmas seriously fucked my dreams up. It fucked my dreams harder than that guy who fucked his girl so hard she...
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What if Santa is real, but nobody is good enough...
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“Wanna hear a little Nord wisdom? You don’t really know a woman ‘til you’ve had a...”
– Uthgerd the Unbroken (via miss-she)
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“Someone told me bow ties weren’t cool today… but it’s okay. I...”
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A guy in my psychology class said he thought...
Me: Okay so if orientation is a choice, choose to be gay, right now.
Him: No.
Me: Why not?
Him: Because I don't find men attractive
Me: So CHOOSE to find them attractive
Him: ....... I can't.
Me: Sorry, WHAT was that? You CAN'T????
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The problem with fat people...
Now hold onto your horses all you peeps out there that are deluded and think you are fat. I ain’t about to slag your fat asses off. Listen to me.
Most of you people feeling slightly insulted are not fat. The phrase ‘You are fat’ indicates you consist of fat. Entirely of fat. This is OBVIOUSLY never true, even if your ass was the size of your mama (who for the record IS a fat...
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A response to a friend.
So… Today I officially made a friend. It is my first and I intend on keeping it. Except not in a cage. I did that with my last friend, and they didn’t like it. They particularly didn’t like the part where I forgot to feed them. So I will not put this friend in a cage in the hope that she will feed herself and will not die when I forget to feed her several times in a row.
Anyway....
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A valid point...
barrowmans:
omfg so today I saw a man and a woman holding hands in public, i mean i don’t have anything against heterosexuality but don’t flaunt it in front of me, think of the kids omfg
I normally hate this guy… but he makes a valid point…
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“The awkward moment when you stand there watching rihanna burn…”
– …but it’s alright because she likes the way it hurts
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“Just saw the oldest, most unattractive man walk of shaming. I have almost no...”
– … Almost.
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“Sluts are just girls that can’t control their Whore-mones”
– Tru Story
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“Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a whore for a hug.”
– Lets face it… you go there to be a dirty dirty human being.
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“Hey Teacher, it’s called Winter Break…not “Winter here’s...”
– I wish I lived in America so this was true. That is the ONLY reason.
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“I will drink ALL the salad”
– OldNewwby in a stupour…
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"Ok class, turn to page 69"
I have no shame in admitting that I do this…. every time….
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“Seeing white mothers with brown babies”
– #Randomthingsthatmakemehappy - This may come as a surprise seeing as often I come across as a racist CUNT… but I do that to show how stupid racism as a concept actually is. And possibly to demonstrate how I don’t get it. At all. Also… Black people. LOL
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A New Model of Empathy: The Rat →
Even rats are more humane than me. I would watch that caged fuck go hungry. Eat ALL the chocolates!
In a simple experiment, researchers at the University of Chicago sought to find out whether a rat would release a fellow rat from an unpleasantly restrictive cage if it could. The answer was yes.
The free rat, occasionally hearing distress calls from its compatriot, learned to open the cage and...
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The best prank. Ever.
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Just a regular chat with (picnic, lightning)
RandomSpot: Oi, you, whatcha doing tonight?
(picnic, lighting): Not totally sure... might go clubbing maybe... or just sit at home and read about the fascinating life of Anna Karenina. Her husband is just beginning to suspect something is fishy!
RandomSpot: Haha! I might pop round after I finish work. Other housemates will be asleep/busy so I'll be bored.
(picnic, lighting): Ok. I warn you though, I'm not great company when I'm absorbed in a book.
*pause*
(picnic, lightning): Okay, clubbing is looking more likely now because Anna just started getting all bitchy when her husband confronted her. Fuck Her. Psycho.
RandomSpot: Wait. So the husband is right, but when he suggests it, Anna goes all psycho?
(picnic, lighting): Not quite. Evasion tactics. She just suddenly realised how tired she was and needed to sleep. Poor husband. I feel sorry for him. Apparantly he's wealthy, but I can't verify this because it's just words on paper.
RandomSpot: I think if the paper says he's hot then he's probably hot. And the wealth is also probably truth. I do however think that that bitch is lying about being sleepy. If husband confronted her she should tell him the truth. It's fairer to him and gives her an escape. Does she love him or is she only with him for the wonga?
(picnic, lighting): Dick sizes are a taboo subject in 19th century Russian literature so I can't say. Some mental foreshadowing is happening right now. Husband noticed a knife and started pondering the meaning of existance, like in Hamlet. Anyway, I'm going back to reading this. I'll let you know if some crazy shit goes down...
RandomSpot: Wonga means money dude... but I can see how the confusion could have occured...
(picnic, lightning): I believe it also means penis in certain amusing made up chinese dialects
*a pause while some time happens*
(picnic, lightning): I'm getting into a terribly interesting subplot where some random guy spends chapters and chapters planting flowers and getting angry at peasants...
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“Sometimes I pretend my mouth is a tight wet pussy and a Big Mac or a scoop of...”
– Take a Stroll… with Rob Delaney - I Fuck Food