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Dear Jenny,

I apologise for my particularly rude assumption that you raped and pillaged my surname for your own personal benefit. The possibility that you may infact share my surname did not occur to me until the incident in question had already occured. This has however led me to believe that we are long lost cousins and must therefore be best friends forever to make up for lost time. I also believe you owe me many years worth of birthday and christmas presents. You can send them to Hope’s address seeing as I live there, and I will write the appropriate thank you letters.

Yours,
Lee Samuels

p.s. Don’t do gift vouchers, they are a complete waste of time

Me
4 months ago